Fear struck as I heard “And, this summer you may experience some health challenges, but nothing to fear.You will get through this.You just need to relax.You will be alright.”Relaxing was the last thing I could do after hearing these words from a gifted intuitive in January 2012.
Five years previously, I was treated for breast cancer — fear around any mention of health issues was an automatic reaction.At the end of March 2012, my anxiety led me to a medical intuitive, who told me that if I did “inner child work,” I could avoid all health issues.
My life-changing journey begins. I make an appointment with Georgie, a spiritual counselor, who has assisted many others in their inner child work.
The night before my first appointment with Georgie, I have an unusual dream I call “Prisoner.”I am a prisoner in a camp where the guards are called Rigid Taskmaster and Stern Enforcer.When I ‘m allowed to leave they warn me, “It is very dangerous out there.”
April 7, 2012.I have my first session with Georgie.When I tell her about the unusual dream, she says the “dream aspects” have been with me a long time and they have a purpose and gifts to share.She suggests I investigate this.
April 24, 2012.Intrigued, I accept this suggestion.I sit quietly, alone, and in my mind, I ask Rigid Taskmaster and Stern Enforcer if they have anything to share with me.
I am so surprised to see images of them in my mind’s eye and hear them speak that I am not prepared to record their words, but I remember them.
We are your protectors.You were too frightened to take on the role of keeping yourself safe.We are freeing you.
RIGID TASKMASTER:I am the one who helps you get something done with determination and commitment.I am tenacity.
STERN ENFORCER:I am the one who gives you the push to get something done.I am courage.
May 3, 2012.I meet with Georgie and share my first dialogue.We decide I have contacted aspects of myself who have a positive reason for staying with me and that I am forming a team.She suggests I learn about these positive reasons.
May 8, 2012. Bubbling with curiosity and apprehension, I sit alone and ask Rigid Taskmaster and Stern Enforcer if they have a positive reason for being with me.I hear Rigid Taskmaster say “I amTenacity” and Stern Enforcer say “I amCourage.”I welcome the first two members of the team and begin my inner exploration.
I diligently go through all the material in John Bradshaw’s book, HOMECOMING, Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. I am determined to avoid health issues and I’m willing to do my part.I complete every exercise and do every meditation.I uncover many flawed core beliefs and a whole range of dysfunctional family roles.Then, I have another curious dream.
May 10, 2012. I call this dream “Saboteur” where I am interrupted as I watch the performance of a group I’ve been coaching.I am told there are plastic jacks and small toy cars left on the stairs leading up to the main office.I know this could be dangerous as someone could step on these objects, trip and fall, so I leave the performance.As I pick up the objects, I realize they were placed on purpose and this is no accident.I am awake enough to ask who put the jacks on the stairs and the word “Saboteur” forms in my mind.I, also, see in my mind’s eye, a slender, dark, slinky figure hiding upstairs.
June 4, 2012. I build up the courage to try my first written dialogue.I sit alone with my notebook and pen and bring the dream image of Saboteur into my mind.
There is no “how-to” book for what I do next.I am led solely by my own inner direction.
My first written dialogue unfolds as follows:
EMILY:I would like to talk with my Saboteur part who is now hiding in a very small space.I see your slim, elongated body dressed in black.Would you please come out today?I can feel your fear and pain.I’m here for you.I do not judge you for leaving the jacks and toy cars on the steps to trip people up.I thank you for revealing yourself.I see you standing out of the crack in the wall now. Do you have a message for me?
SABOTEUR:I hate being me.I hate who I am.I hate this life I am leading.I want it to change.At one time I wanted it to end. Yes, I am very afraid and, yes, I am in a lot of pain.I do not believe you can do anything to help. This is the way our life has always been.It will not change.You cannot help me.It is hopeless.
Moved with great compassion for this sad part of myself, I ask without thinking.
EMILY:Will you, at least, let me hold you?I feel your fear, pain, anger, frustration and hopelessness.I cannot promise anything, but I can love you.
Saboteur moves in front of my heart and I hold the imaginary figure in my real, physical arms.
EMILY: It is all right to feel the way you do. I still love you, anyway!Let’s start with fear.
It comes to me to release this fear and I make a sound of fear — a high pitched “eeeeee.” I sit rocking back and forth, holding and loving my Saboteur image.I add Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping to the process.After a few minutes, I feel the fear and pain seem to be gone for now and Saboteur has relaxed some in my arms.
EMILY:Ready to release anger?“No.”All right, we will do hopelessness.
I make a low rumbling “oooooooo” sound from my chest.I feel despair and my arms go weak.I rock back and forth and do EFT tapping.Again, in a few minutes, I feel better.
EMILY:My little Saboteur, I love you.You are so sad. You have been with me so long.You have tried so hard to help me.I love you.I appreciate you.Do you have another name I could call you as your positive reason for being with me?
I try these words in my mind: careful, cautious, worthy, and flexible, but nothing feels definite.
EMILY:Thank you, anyway.Are you ready for anger now?Yes.
I make a loud “arrrrrrr” anger sound from my abdomen and continue the EFT tapping and rocking until I feel better.
EMILY:I see you have a black and white stripped outfit.This is a step up from all black.I am pleased to see this.I see you now moving to yellow and black strips.And, you like the name, Flexible?Try it on for a while and see how it feels.I see a smile on your face.Yes?Do you have anything to say?
FLEXIBLE:I feel much, much better.I’m so glad you came for me. I want to be with you.
EMILY:I love you.Would like you to be on the Team?
I hear nothing.
All of the dialogues in this book happen inside my head, but I physically do the processes.I feel a shift in my energy field as each one occurs. I have never experienced anything like this before, but it feels beneficial, so I continue.
June 5, 2012. I meet with Georgie and share the above experience as well as the results from my Inner Child exercises where I identified a flawed core belief that I am defective.
I, also, share the results of an Astrology chart interpretation I recently had with Mary Jo Wevers, a Jungian karmic astrologer.I had never thought of having an astrology reading before, but the urge to have one was strong and I acted upon it.To my amazement, through this interpretation, my challenging life suddenly made sense — for the first time.
June 12, 2012. I sit alone, ready to write with the hope that I am able to dialogue with this defective part of me.I can hardly believe what happened the other time I tried this, but I’m determined to avoid health issues and curious to learn more about these hidden parts of myself, so I begin.To my surprise, the following dialogue transpires in my mind:
EMILY:I am open to a dialogue with my part called Defective, the one who says there is something wrong with me.Please reply.
DEFECTIVE:Of course, there is something wrong with you.Just look at your life; look at your relationships.You have no idea how to have joy and play, atleast, at this time, and at most times in the past.Of course, I am here and I am not leaving.
EMILY:Why are you here?
DEFECTIVE:It is obvious.You will get too proud and misuse your power just like the astrology reading said.It is very true.You chose this low self-esteem life to redeem yourself, so I am staying for your own good.
EMILY:Amazing!I am so grateful to you.I can hardly believe that we are having this talk at exactly the perfect time for me to really hear you.What if I told you I am now ready to acknowledge the truth that you speak of and to make amends?
I recently learned about this situation from my astrology reading and I am doing a process to release and forgive the event.
DEFECTIVE:I will believe it when I see it, but I want you to know I will support you in this plan.I will not block your efforts.When you are complete, I will be here to resume this conversation.In fact, I applaud your getting this far.
EMILY:Thank you so very much and thanks for your clarity.
I now have a list of flawed core beliefs from my Inner Child process.Since this worked with Defective, I am prompted to try a dialogue with Unlovable.Here is the result:
EMILY:I am now ready to open a dialogue with my Unlovable part.I feel your presence inside.
I hear nothing, but I sense some words and hold a monologue in my mind.
EMILY:You are preverbal and very deep?Maybe there is an aspect of this part who is willing to speak with me?Maybe you are not preverbal, but you are not ready to speak with me?You are buried very deep inside?It is safe to come out now.I have already called in all the Angels, God, Jesus, My Higher Self and Holy Ones to help us.You began before I was born?You began in utero — this fear of not being loved?
At last, I hear these words:
UNLOVABLE:Once again, this was something you chose to do in this lifetime.
My throat is tight and I am very tense, but I persevere.I find this amazing and must follow where I am being led.
EMILY:Thank you for speaking.Please continue.
UNLOVABLE:Oh, I am here alright and I am holding on tightly.That is why you are having a tight throat and chest.Keep breathing and tapping.I do not hate you.You do not have to fear me.I am here for a huge purpose.You wanted to fully experience God’s love and the love of others in this life.You could not have this experience if you felt their love all along.Relax into the idea of being loved.This is not a matter of just changing my name.You must allow God’s love.It is eternal.It has always been here and always will be
EMILY:How do I do this?Can you help me?
UNLOVABLE:First you need to change my name.
EMILY:All right.
I smile and the words precious and beloved come to me.I hear:
UNLOVABLE:Precious belongs to Unworthy.I am Beloved!
EMILY:Unbelievable!Please help me to believe that this is real!
BELOVED:Feel my presence.Just feel.Feel the sadness, the pain, the fear– the fear of this not being real.Oh, but I am real.I am your Beloved and you are beloved.Let out the sadness.Let out the fear.Make your release sounds.
Tears flow and I make my sad sounds.
EMILY:Oh, yes, that helps.Thank you.
BELOVED:Now, feel my presence surrounding you.Feel my presence within you.This is my love.Allow me to merge with you when you are ready.There is no rush. Just allow.
EMILY:I am trying.I feel nothing.
BELOVED:Just know that I am here.When you are ready, we will merge.There is no hurry.I will never, ever leave you.
EMILY:Thank you.I feel unworthy.
BELOVED:I know you do.Do not rush.This process is all in Divine order.Just relax and allow.It is time to rest.
EMILY:Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.I am overflowing with gratitude!
I close my second day of written dialogues and one of the most amazing experiences in my life.I know I cannot possibly be making this up as I have no idea what words will flow next.Yet, everything that is happening seems totally unbelievable.To ease the confusion in my mind with all of the emerging aspects and their changing titles, I create the following chart to give some order.
Excerpt from Discover Your Unknown Inner Self
CHAPTER 1
Fear struck as I heard “And, this summer you may experience some health challenges, but nothing to fear. You will get through this. You just need to relax. You will be alright.” Relaxing was the last thing I could do after hearing these words from a gifted intuitive in January 2012.
Five years previously, I was treated for breast cancer — fear around any mention of health issues was an automatic reaction. At the end of March 2012, my anxiety led me to a medical intuitive, who told me that if I did “inner child work,” I could avoid all health issues.
My life-changing journey begins. I make an appointment with Georgie, a spiritual counselor, who has assisted many others in their inner child work.
The night before my first appointment with Georgie, I have an unusual dream I call “Prisoner.” I am a prisoner in a camp where the guards are called Rigid Taskmaster and Stern Enforcer. When I ‘m allowed to leave they warn me, “It is very dangerous out there.”
April 7, 2012. I have my first session with Georgie. When I tell her about the unusual dream, she says the “dream aspects” have been with me a long time and they have a purpose and gifts to share. She suggests I investigate this.
April 24, 2012. Intrigued, I accept this suggestion. I sit quietly, alone, and in my mind, I ask Rigid Taskmaster and Stern Enforcer if they have anything to share with me.
I am so surprised to see images of them in my mind’s eye and hear them speak that I am not prepared to record their words, but I remember them.
We are your protectors. You were too frightened to take on the role of keeping yourself safe. We are freeing you.
RIGID TASKMASTER: I am the one who helps you get something done with determination and commitment. I am tenacity.
STERN ENFORCER: I am the one who gives you the push to get something done. I am courage.
May 3, 2012. I meet with Georgie and share my first dialogue. We decide I have contacted aspects of myself who have a positive reason for staying with me and that I am forming a team. She suggests I learn about these positive reasons.
May 8, 2012. Bubbling with curiosity and apprehension, I sit alone and ask Rigid Taskmaster and Stern Enforcer if they have a positive reason for being with me. I hear Rigid Taskmaster say “I am Tenacity” and Stern Enforcer say “I am Courage.” I welcome the first two members of the team and begin my inner exploration.
I diligently go through all the material in John Bradshaw’s book, HOMECOMING, Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. I am determined to avoid health issues and I’m willing to do my part. I complete every exercise and do every meditation. I uncover many flawed core beliefs and a whole range of dysfunctional family roles. Then, I have another curious dream.
May 10, 2012. I call this dream “Saboteur” where I am interrupted as I watch the performance of a group I’ve been coaching. I am told there are plastic jacks and small toy cars left on the stairs leading up to the main office. I know this could be dangerous as someone could step on these objects, trip and fall, so I leave the performance. As I pick up the objects, I realize they were placed on purpose and this is no accident. I am awake enough to ask who put the jacks on the stairs and the word “Saboteur” forms in my mind. I, also, see in my mind’s eye, a slender, dark, slinky figure hiding upstairs.
June 4, 2012. I build up the courage to try my first written dialogue. I sit alone with my notebook and pen and bring the dream image of Saboteur into my mind.
There is no “how-to” book for what I do next. I am led solely by my own inner direction.
My first written dialogue unfolds as follows:
EMILY: I would like to talk with my Saboteur part who is now hiding in a very small space. I see your slim, elongated body dressed in black. Would you please come out today? I can feel your fear and pain. I’m here for you. I do not judge you for leaving the jacks and toy cars on the steps to trip people up. I thank you for revealing yourself. I see you standing out of the crack in the wall now. Do you have a message for me?
SABOTEUR: I hate being me. I hate who I am. I hate this life I am leading. I want it to change. At one time I wanted it to end. Yes, I am very afraid and, yes, I am in a lot of pain. I do not believe you can do anything to help. This is the way our life has always been. It will not change. You cannot help me. It is hopeless.
Moved with great compassion for this sad part of myself, I ask without thinking.
EMILY: Will you, at least, let me hold you? I feel your fear, pain, anger, frustration and hopelessness. I cannot promise anything, but I can love you.
Saboteur moves in front of my heart and I hold the imaginary figure in my real, physical arms.
EMILY: It is all right to feel the way you do. I still love you, anyway! Let’s start with fear.
It comes to me to release this fear and I make a sound of fear — a high pitched “eeeeee.” I sit rocking back and forth, holding and loving my Saboteur image. I add Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping to the process. After a few minutes, I feel the fear and pain seem to be gone for now and Saboteur has relaxed some in my arms.
EMILY: Ready to release anger? “No.” All right, we will do hopelessness.
I make a low rumbling “oooooooo” sound from my chest. I feel despair and my arms go weak. I rock back and forth and do EFT tapping. Again, in a few minutes, I feel better.
EMILY: My little Saboteur, I love you. You are so sad. You have been with me so long. You have tried so hard to help me. I love you. I appreciate you. Do you have another name I could call you as your positive reason for being with me?
I try these words in my mind: careful, cautious, worthy, and flexible, but nothing feels definite.
EMILY: Thank you, anyway. Are you ready for anger now? Yes.
I make a loud “arrrrrrr” anger sound from my abdomen and continue the EFT tapping and rocking until I feel better.
EMILY: I see you have a black and white stripped outfit. This is a step up from all black. I am pleased to see this. I see you now moving to yellow and black strips. And, you like the name, Flexible? Try it on for a while and see how it feels. I see a smile on your face. Yes? Do you have anything to say?
FLEXIBLE: I feel much, much better. I’m so glad you came for me. I want to be with you.
EMILY: I love you. Would like you to be on the Team?
I hear nothing.
All of the dialogues in this book happen inside my head, but I physically do the processes. I feel a shift in my energy field as each one occurs. I have never experienced anything like this before, but it feels beneficial, so I continue.
June 5, 2012. I meet with Georgie and share the above experience as well as the results from my Inner Child exercises where I identified a flawed core belief that I am defective.
I, also, share the results of an Astrology chart interpretation I recently had with Mary Jo Wevers, a Jungian karmic astrologer. I had never thought of having an astrology reading before, but the urge to have one was strong and I acted upon it. To my amazement, through this interpretation, my challenging life suddenly made sense — for the first time.
June 12, 2012. I sit alone, ready to write with the hope that I am able to dialogue with this defective part of me. I can hardly believe what happened the other time I tried this, but I’m determined to avoid health issues and curious to learn more about these hidden parts of myself, so I begin. To my surprise, the following dialogue transpires in my mind:
EMILY: I am open to a dialogue with my part called Defective, the one who says there is something wrong with me. Please reply.
DEFECTIVE: Of course, there is something wrong with you. Just look at your life; look at your relationships. You have no idea how to have joy and play, at least, at this time, and at most times in the past. Of course, I am here and I am not leaving.
EMILY: Why are you here?
DEFECTIVE: It is obvious. You will get too proud and misuse your power just like the astrology reading said. It is very true. You chose this low self-esteem life to redeem yourself, so I am staying for your own good.
EMILY: Amazing! I am so grateful to you. I can hardly believe that we are having this talk at exactly the perfect time for me to really hear you. What if I told you I am now ready to acknowledge the truth that you speak of and to make amends?
I recently learned about this situation from my astrology reading and I am doing a process to release and forgive the event.
DEFECTIVE: I will believe it when I see it, but I want you to know I will support you in this plan. I will not block your efforts. When you are complete, I will be here to resume this conversation. In fact, I applaud your getting this far.
EMILY: Thank you so very much and thanks for your clarity.
I now have a list of flawed core beliefs from my Inner Child process. Since this worked with Defective, I am prompted to try a dialogue with Unlovable. Here is the result:
EMILY: I am now ready to open a dialogue with my Unlovable part. I feel your presence inside.
I hear nothing, but I sense some words and hold a monologue in my mind.
EMILY: You are preverbal and very deep? Maybe there is an aspect of this part who is willing to speak with me? Maybe you are not preverbal, but you are not ready to speak with me? You are buried very deep inside? It is safe to come out now. I have already called in all the Angels, God, Jesus, My Higher Self and Holy Ones to help us. You began before I was born? You began in utero — this fear of not being loved?
At last, I hear these words:
UNLOVABLE: Once again, this was something you chose to do in this lifetime.
My throat is tight and I am very tense, but I persevere. I find this amazing and must follow where I am being led.
EMILY: Thank you for speaking. Please continue.
UNLOVABLE: Oh, I am here alright and I am holding on tightly. That is why you are having a tight throat and chest. Keep breathing and tapping. I do not hate you. You do not have to fear me. I am here for a huge purpose. You wanted to fully experience God’s love and the love of others in this life. You could not have this experience if you felt their love all along. Relax into the idea of being loved. This is not a matter of just changing my name. You must allow God’s love. It is eternal. It has always been here and always will be
EMILY: How do I do this? Can you help me?
UNLOVABLE: First you need to change my name.
EMILY: All right.
I smile and the words precious and beloved come to me. I hear:
UNLOVABLE: Precious belongs to Unworthy. I am Beloved!
EMILY: Unbelievable! Please help me to believe that this is real!
BELOVED: Feel my presence. Just feel. Feel the sadness, the pain, the fear– the fear of this not being real. Oh, but I am real. I am your Beloved and you are beloved. Let out the sadness. Let out the fear. Make your release sounds.
Tears flow and I make my sad sounds.
EMILY: Oh, yes, that helps. Thank you.
BELOVED: Now, feel my presence surrounding you. Feel my presence within you. This is my love. Allow me to merge with you when you are ready. There is no rush. Just allow.
EMILY: I am trying. I feel nothing.
BELOVED: Just know that I am here. When you are ready, we will merge. There is no hurry. I will never, ever leave you.
EMILY: Thank you. I feel unworthy.
BELOVED: I know you do. Do not rush. This process is all in Divine order. Just relax and allow. It is time to rest.
EMILY: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am overflowing with gratitude!
I close my second day of written dialogues and one of the most amazing experiences in my life. I know I cannot possibly be making this up as I have no idea what words will flow next. Yet, everything that is happening seems totally unbelievable. To ease the confusion in my mind with all of the emerging aspects and their changing titles, I create the following chart to give some order.